like sometimes i feel out of sync with myself; stuck between the doorway of self-awareness and self-acceptance. sometimes i feel like who i am and how i see myself & others see me is contradictory. i feel like my identity carries so much tension but only for me. instead of choosing an identity that is easy to preform, feel i am living in the middle of two opposites. it feel insane to say but sometimes i have discomfort about how i relate to myself. like i know who i am, but sometimes i can't live peacefully with that knowledge. i fear it's due to my tendency to be selectively alive. anywho, this is all concluded once more because it doesn't matter who i am or that i am unsure of myself, why? well because i do not need to justify my existence or feel a certain way about existing. everything is meaningless so why am i trying to find meaning of myself, not that that doesn't matter in a practical sense but definitely puts a stop do a philosophical spiral that could lead to nihilism (boo!). we are not to wait for one to have meaning, for our lives to mean something first, before we are allowed to live it. life doesn't need to prove itself to be experienced.